When a press release for solar-powered sex toys popped into my inbox on 3 January, it dawned on me it could only mean one thing: we were already in the build-up to Valentine’s Day. A few days later, it was followed by the new aphrodisiac version of the Knorr stock cube, Knorrplay, and a set of champagne glasses adorned with red hearts.
A couple of years ago I found myself overnight in Newcastle, with a male colleague. We were working hard on a harrowing story and decided a nice meal out would cheer us up. Not a chance in hell: neither of us had realised that the dreaded Valentine’s Day was upon us. Every single restaurant, from low-rent kebab joints right up to Michelin-starred gaffs, was full to the rafters with courting couples.
I ended up eating in my room – a toasted sandwich from a Greggs that had stayed open late for the occasion. This year, they are offering £30 Valentine’s Day gift cards, one of which reads: ‘You’re my type of snack.’ Despite all the hype in the run-up to Valentine’s Day, it never fails to take me by surprise – and it’s not something I’d ever celebrate, even if I did remember it. I’m not keen on heart-shaped red balloons, Hallmark cards, or the ubiquitous red roses handed out in restaurants ‘for the lady’.
There’s no room for spontaneity when planning your special meal. It has to be done weeks, if not months, in advance. And even if you have managed to get booked in, the heaving restaurants are packed exclusively with couples – it doesn’t exactly make for a vibrant atmosphere. While those in the early stages of romance stare lustfully at one another, counting the minutes until they get back in the sack, everyone else seems bored – probably because at least one of them is there out of guilt or duty, or fear of the consequences of failing to go through the motions.
Staff will want to be anywhere but serving or cooking that night, and the kitchen will have to churn out way more food than usual (many restaurants pack in additional tables for this lucrative occasion). It will be a standard and very dull set menu, featuring supposedly aphrodisiac foods such as oysters, asparagus tips, salmon, and of course the obligatory chocolate dessert. Far be it from me to further entrench any stereotypes here, but this is not exactly the type of food most men tend to order from restaurant menus. How do I know this? Chefs I have interviewed over the years say they can tell when an order arriving in the kitchen has emanated from a group of men, because it tends to consist of huge quantities of dead animal and assorted potato dishes.
I ended up eating in my room – a toasted sandwich from a Greggs
The ‘free’ glass of champagne is, of course, built into the inflated cost of the set meal, and does little to help the kitchen juggle the orders – all of which will land at the same time. Oh, and then there is the music. There will be a soundtrack like the one you expect to hear at the end of an evening at a nightclub – the one meant for slow dancing. Sitting at a table listening to it is just… embarrassing.
This assault on the senses extends to the visuals, too. I have seen tables adorned with pink rose petals, heart-shaped candles, and even red tablecloths and seat coverings. No age group escapes being drawn into Valentine’s hell. Passing a local Nando’s early evening last year, I noticed it was full of teenage couples. This is the youth version of a romantic dinner out. While the young women beamed eagerly at their companions, sipping on some blue alcoholic concoction, the young men looked at their phones, necked their beer, and set their eyes anywhere other than the person opposite.
Not only is Valentine’s Day without question the very worst night of the year for eating out, it also brings out the worst in restaurants. Most people look disappointed with their food – and horrified when the bill comes. As customers are hurried out in time for the next batch, surely they can’t help but notice that they’ve just paid through the nose for a ride on a commercial conveyor belt. One study tracking Facebook breakup statuses found that couples tend to break up more often after Valentine’s Day. After such an ordeal, it’s hardly surprising.
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